Dysphoria

   
         I have sat down to write many times over the last three weeks, but I am never quite happy with what I have to say. I could blame it on my perfectionist tendencies but really, I’m just scared. For me writing about an event in my life makes everything that is happening to me all the more real.

I will not be going back to college next semester. A few weeks ago that sentence scared me. Now it doesn't scare me as much.

I never thought I would even be able to even say I finished my first semester of college. But with a lot of help from my family and friends I managed to complete not one but two semesters of college (with a few minor and maybe one major bump). I could not be prouder of myself for completing a whole year of college, and I will always be glad college is something I tried. Because it really is true you don’t know what you like until you try it. College wasn’t working for me, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else.

I’ve struggled for the last semester with the decision of if college was even worth it. I knew coming out of my first semester of college that it already wasn’t something I was enjoying. I was excited about what I had planned to study for the next four-plus years of my life, but every time I had to go sit through an hour and half long lecture I found myself thinking more and more if this was something I really wanted to do for a considerable part of my young adult life. Yes, I loved the idea of getting to study film, but that was the problem, I loved the idea of it. Soon I realized that there were far more to the whole “college appearance” than just getting to learn more about something you love. My whole first three semesters were going to be full of general education courses that had nothing to do with what I thought I was going to college to learn. Subjects that I thought I had learned throughout my middle school and high school career. 

For some people wading through all those general education courses will be no big deal. They will be challenging yes, but for some people, they are simply one more step towards their goal of a college degree. I would have loved to be able to maintain that outlook, but because of my learning disabilities (dyslexia and dyscalculia), the thought of making it through three semesters before I was able to start on any of the classes I wanted to take seemed as impossible as carrying the One Ring through Mordor. Now that may seem a bit dramatic to some people over just a couple of general math, science, and English courses. But for someone with a learning disability that is exactly what it felt like. I hope to be able to share more about my experience being at college with a learning disability, but for now I simply want to share how I came to my decision not to continue with college.

            

 I spent a lot of time sitting in my car in my campus parking lot.

        This sounds kind of sad I know, but it’s one of my favorite things ever. Just sitting, being able to think without things to distract me, watching people go about their lives guessing what this or that person might be doing. I would do this pretty much every time I had to go to class, sit there people watching, and as I got further and further into the semester I found it more difficult to make myself go into class. And I began to really think about why I was going to college. Was I going because it would make my parents happy? Make me happy? Was I going to college to help get started in my dream career? Or was I going simply because I thought it was the next step all 18 year-olds are expected to take after high school? 
           
        My last semester of college was not spent enjoying my classes or looking forward to the future I thought I had planned out, but was full of dread and anxiety about the choices I thought I had to make. It took me that whole semester to realize that I didn't have to stay unhappy. All of my thoughts and efforts had been consumed with how to make myself fit into the college mold that I hadn't even considered that college might not be the best choice for me. Once I realized that I didn't have to make myself fit in to college it seemed like there were so many more options for me to peruse. I was finally letting my happiness be the biggest deciding factor in my life. 

            
    Dysphoria is a state of unease or general dissatisfaction with life. 
My mother assures me I am not the only 19-year-old in the world that feels this way. In fact, it is probably the best word to describe 18 to early 20 something-year-old's. For the last year, I have been fighting this sense of unease pretty hard. In actuality, what I really need to be doing is embracing my sense of dysphoria. That feeling of being dissatisfied with life is what’s going to propel me to try all the new things I haven’t tried yet and to keep trying until I find what satisfies me in life. And right now, one thing I know is that college doesn’t satisfy me, doesn’t make me happy. So, for now I will continue to search for the things in life that make me happy.

Which brings me to the purpose of this little blogging experiment. Writing is something that makes me happy and something I hope to continue to do. Over the next year I will be on a personal mission to find my happy. My plan is to be able to document it through this blog, and share with you all my quest to embrace this sense of dysphoria and find what makes me happy.